Tag Archives: God

He’s just so into you.

September 7, 2008 – 12:50 pm

I can’t seem to stop the spontaneous overflow of tears from my two already red eyes.  God.  He is so good.  And there the tears are coming again.  He is just more.  More than I deserve.  More than I ever give him credit for.  More than my words can paint.  More than this heart can hold in.

I have had a post on my mind for a few weeks.  It was to be titled “He is just not that into you”.  It was going to be all about my almost daily struggle against myself and my thoughts.  Truth be known the struggle is a spiritual battle against the enemy out to devour my life.  Extra truth be known I was laying down my fight and making myself an easy target.  I had allowed myself to question the very way that God loved me.  This woman who banked her whole ministry on the passionate love of God.  The romantic one who could uncover some romance in each scripture written.  This same one looked up at her Lover God and said the words “You are just not that into me.”  I bought into the lies the enemy was throwing at me.  The flames were piercing straight through a bruised heart.  I resolved this must be true.  I believed that God loved you magically but something happened when it came to me.  I was not believing it anymore.  For weeks I wrapped myself with protection of unbelief.  If I don’t believe that God is into me then I don’t have to worry about why things are not going the way I think they would if he were into me.

I was hurt.

I talked with Ernest.  I am so glad that he does not preach to me when I come to him.  He simply kept saying the same thing over and over.

Is this the character of God?

I knew the answer.

I kept walking this same road of struggle.  I talked with God but I did not listen for his words.  Protection. Or so I thought. In church last Sunday the speaker spoke words with exact meaning to what I needed to hear.  I heard the words but the protective lies inside kept combating them.

Ernest could feel my resistance.  I know he was praying for me.

We talked more last week.  He urged me to do what I already knew I needed to do.  Release.  I needed to release my fears of the unknown situations in my life to him.  Love.  I needed to allow his love to flow into the very shell of a person I was becoming.  Faith.  I need to believe HE WAS THAT INTO ME.

I can’t believe how scared I was to do that.  Me.  The so called lover of Christ.  The almost 32 year old teacher of all things love.  This mother of two amazing gifts from God.  The dreamer who is in love with a little one from Haiti.  The wife of one adventurous man.  I was scared.  I was scared because I did not want what I feared to be true.  I did not want to release my so called protection to only be rejected.

That is our worst fear right?

I released.  In my fear I prayed for His love to come rushing.  it did. I did not deserve it.  It was rushing all the while.  I just could not see it due to the heavy coat of protection that I had so sweetly wrapped myself with.

Saturday morning as I laid my face to the floor I begged God to renew his spirit within me.  I confessed in words what he already knew of my heart.  I praised him and promised I would praise him no matter.  If I feel your love, If I don’t.  If it turns out that you are not that into me.  No matter.  I am that into you.

Those few moments changed my heart. [changed me]

This morning I am home from church with a sick one.  Praise music is vibrating the speakers on our old system.  I am loving every second of it.  I have sung to the top of my lungs.  Most likely our neighbors are wondering about me.  He is my strength.  He is like no other.  He is my hope.  He gives hope like no other.

I have stood in the middle of my living room with hands raised and tears flowing.  In the midst of the praise I thought of all of you.  I wanted to tell you this.

He is so into you.

Don’t be like me.  Don’t rob yourself one moment of believing his truth.  He is more into you than you will ever know.  He is working all things together for good.  He knows the very details of your heart.  He loves you.  Oh how he loves you.  And me.

How I wish we could praise together.  We would have some kind of rocking party. [with plenty of kleenex for me]

By debra parker | Posted in Reflection | Also tagged , , | Comments (8)

inspiration?

August 20, 2008 – 7:38 pm

I was just randomly going through my google reader when I came across this post about inspirations from Matt Chandler. I am so stirred. Spontaneously I have decided to work through my list. For the sake of talking it through I have decided to do it on here, my handy dandy blog.

When is it that I feel inspired?

1. Outdoors. There is just something about the beauty of creation that relaxes my soul and brings a wealth of feelings. God is there in creation. It is beauty.

2. When I am engaged in a conversation with girls. We can be talking of all things Jesus, or simply chatting over coffee, or even the moments my ears are hearing the ins and outs of relationships. I watch the ways their eyes shine, their smile is contagious. God is so in love with them. So am I. I must say that I have a favorite girl. You know her. We love to hang out and chat. I am never more inspired than the moments I sit with my 10 year old girl.

3. Listening to music while doing my morning walk. I don’t run. The words usually bring tears to my eyes. The song from Barlow Girl that sings the line I need you to love me gets me every time.

4. The Psalms. Oh yes.

5. Service at Ecclesia.

6. Sitting at the beach. I really want to do this alone one day. It is such a great place to think.

7. Through deep conversations with Ernest.

This is my first draft list. I plan to think and work through it. Talking about what inspires me has now inspired me. I want to love God with all that I am. I don’t want to be a talker I want to be lover. Next up what hinders my inspiration.

So tell me…

What inspires you?

By debra parker | Posted in Reflection, Uncategorized | Also tagged , | Comments (0)

the mom i want to be. part two.

July 31, 2008 – 3:49 pm

For set up sake.

We let the kids go to kid only pool time last night.  We figured this is a good way for them to meet some friends for school.  What nice parents we are.  We even let them stay there until 9 pm.  Of course they were the first to be picked.  O well.

Everyone is home.  Kids are changed into pj’s when all the drama begins.  I knew it would happen.  It happens every time they pass the window of their normal bedtime (8:30).  All of a sudden they are afraid of everything.  They are going to throw-up.  They start the ugly cry.  When I say they I really mean her.  Poor thing.

By this time we feel like complete crazies.  We ourselves are tired.  We do not want to deal with drama.  We just want you to go to bed.

The night in this home gets ugly.  There are strong words shared.  I don’t mean shared in a nice way either.  Carly spouts off that “we are the meanest parents ever” and “we don’t even love her”  all because we are making her lay down in bed instead of sleeping next to the toilet all night (in case of throwing up).

This is where the exchange happens.

At the point of her ugly words (she is 10 and kind of hormonal so give her a break) I would usually spout of go to bed in frustration and leave the room for her to cry her heart out.  She would be hurt.  I would be hurt.

Tonight as I listened to this go down something different rose up within me.  I thought about how I have been spouting those same HARSH statements to God.  Because of this, this, and that, “You must not even love me…”,  or “You must love her more”… and so on. It is true that I have been battling some things out with God.  He knows my heart.

As I thought of my own raging battle I also thought of the way He deals with me.  The way I should deal with her.

Carly, I love you even if you do not want to hear that right now.  I know that you know I love you.  I know you don’t believe that we are the worst parents ever.  I know that you do not mean what you said about wishing you were never born (Yes, she said this too).  I forgive your for saying these hurtful words.  I am not mad at you.  Not one bit.  I only love you.

She calms and lays her head on the pillow.

Mom, will you pray with me? (in a soft tone and tears streaming)

Amen.

::

Are you battling right now?  Bring your stuff to Him.  He is big enough.  His love is bigger and contains more grace than our little minds could begin to conceive.

(Your name), Know that I love you.  Know I made you special.  I gave you specific dreams.  I cherish your laugh.  I enjoy your words.  I know you love me.  I know your heart.  I love you, not in spite of who you are but because of who you are.  I am here.  Always.

He is good.  Actually, Better than good.

By debra parker | Posted in Carly says, Reflection, family | Also tagged , | Comments (3)