I can’t seem to stop the spontaneous overflow of tears from my two already red eyes. God. He is so good. And there the tears are coming again. He is just more. More than I deserve. More than I ever give him credit for. More than my words can paint. More than this heart can hold in.
I have had a post on my mind for a few weeks. It was to be titled “He is just not that into you”. It was going to be all about my almost daily struggle against myself and my thoughts. Truth be known the struggle is a spiritual battle against the enemy out to devour my life. Extra truth be known I was laying down my fight and making myself an easy target. I had allowed myself to question the very way that God loved me. This woman who banked her whole ministry on the passionate love of God. The romantic one who could uncover some romance in each scripture written. This same one looked up at her Lover God and said the words “You are just not that into me.” I bought into the lies the enemy was throwing at me. The flames were piercing straight through a bruised heart. I resolved this must be true. I believed that God loved you magically but something happened when it came to me. I was not believing it anymore. For weeks I wrapped myself with protection of unbelief. If I don’t believe that God is into me then I don’t have to worry about why things are not going the way I think they would if he were into me.
I was hurt.
I talked with Ernest. I am so glad that he does not preach to me when I come to him. He simply kept saying the same thing over and over.
Is this the character of God?
I knew the answer.
I kept walking this same road of struggle. I talked with God but I did not listen for his words. Protection. Or so I thought. In church last Sunday the speaker spoke words with exact meaning to what I needed to hear. I heard the words but the protective lies inside kept combating them.
Ernest could feel my resistance. I know he was praying for me.
We talked more last week. He urged me to do what I already knew I needed to do. Release. I needed to release my fears of the unknown situations in my life to him. Love. I needed to allow his love to flow into the very shell of a person I was becoming. Faith. I need to believe HE WAS THAT INTO ME.
I can’t believe how scared I was to do that. Me. The so called lover of Christ. The almost 32 year old teacher of all things love. This mother of two amazing gifts from God. The dreamer who is in love with a little one from Haiti. The wife of one adventurous man. I was scared. I was scared because I did not want what I feared to be true. I did not want to release my so called protection to only be rejected.
That is our worst fear right?
I released. In my fear I prayed for His love to come rushing. it did. I did not deserve it. It was rushing all the while. I just could not see it due to the heavy coat of protection that I had so sweetly wrapped myself with.
Saturday morning as I laid my face to the floor I begged God to renew his spirit within me. I confessed in words what he already knew of my heart. I praised him and promised I would praise him no matter. If I feel your love, If I don’t. If it turns out that you are not that into me. No matter. I am that into you.
Those few moments changed my heart. [changed me]
This morning I am home from church with a sick one. Praise music is vibrating the speakers on our old system. I am loving every second of it. I have sung to the top of my lungs. Most likely our neighbors are wondering about me. He is my strength. He is like no other. He is my hope. He gives hope like no other.
I have stood in the middle of my living room with hands raised and tears flowing. In the midst of the praise I thought of all of you. I wanted to tell you this.
He is so into you.
Don’t be like me. Don’t rob yourself one moment of believing his truth. He is more into you than you will ever know. He is working all things together for good. He knows the very details of your heart. He loves you. Oh how he loves you. And me.
How I wish we could praise together. We would have some kind of rocking party. [with plenty of kleenex for me]
